Long ago I dreamed of being a mother. As a young girl, I played with baby dolls, played house, even tried teaching my younger brothers reading and writing from time to time as we played “school.” I knew that when I grew up I wanted to be a mom…I have always wanted babies & children.
So I guess you could say that now I am living out my dreams! Only the “dreams” I had before never included all the bickering siblings, fussy teething stage, sleepless nights, messy house 24/7, laundry piles more steep than the Smokey Mountains, crying children (for long periods of time) …deep depression, never quite knowing what or how to discipline, feelings of failure, the guilt, oh the guilt! And I guess I could go on…wow, that sounds pretty depressing doesn’t it?
But, wait, don’t stop reading there! That’s not the end.
I also never imagined how beautiful something so painful could be. I never knew that watching a child enter this world could be so messy, yet so intricately and intimately gorgeous! 2 of my births were pretty great and I can still vividly remember the very moment my children entered this world. Oh I hope those memories never leave me.
I never imagined how changing a diaper could be a good memory! How, you ask? I actually enjoy changing diapers – most of the time, if you know what I mean! What is better than squeezing those chubby baby thighs? What is cuter than those naked little baby bottoms? What is more pleasant to the ear than hearing a baby or even toddler squeal with laughter as you tickle those diaper covered fat rolls?
I never imagined how MANY prayers I would pray for wisdom as a mother. You see, as a confident teacher who has loved children all her life, I never thought for a minute that I would have SO many doubts and questions as to how to be the best parent. I never knew how utterly confused I would be when my children disobeyed. I never imagined God humbling me in this particular way…by showing me how LITTLE I know and how MUCH I need Him!
I never imagined the fierce loyalty I would feel as I see my children among a group of others. I never imagined the connection I could feel in seeing my child across a room full of others. I never imagined those little “tugs” I feel inside when I see my child trying so hard at something. I never imagined the intense pain I would feel when seeing my own child hurting.
You see, as a child or young woman, I never imagined God could use my children and use this job of motherhood as part of my sanctification process. I wonder at times if I had known how hard it would be, would I still have done it? I must admit, I never thought it would be hard! But, oh the beauty that comes from ashes…the rainbow that comes after the storm…the MERCY that is NEW every morning.
You see, while I could never have imagined motherhood being the toughest job I’ve ever had…I also never imagined how such joy could come from it. I never knew how much excitement I could feel over an 18 month old learning new words everyday. I never knew how sweet it would be to hear your firstborn reading aloud to you. I never imagined how wonderful the hug of a 2 year old could feel. I never imagined getting teary eyed over my 4 year old proudly reciting Psalm 23 to me at the breakfast table. I never imagined the sadness that would creep into my heart as I folded the tiny blue sleepers and put them away for likely the last time. I never imagined how the eyes of a child looking up at me could change my own outlook on life.
Thank You, God, for your faithfulness. I never imagined all God would teach me, show me, do in me, through these 3 small little creatures I call my children. As we bless our own mothers today (and I am SO thankful for mine!) I want to thank God for making me a mother. What a gift.
(re-post from Mother’s Day 2007.)