Still struggling with compassion…

If you remember my word of the year ~ compassion ~ you will also remember that I’ve struggled with this word. When the Lord first laid this word on my heart, He gently showed me that I was lacking compassion in my life towards those who had hurt me in the past. I’ve been praying toward that end since the time I first posted that, and God has been faithful to me in small ways through this compassion journey.

Another area that God showed me I lacked compassion was with my children. At times, not always, I lack compassion with those I love most. This was something God has been dealing with in my heart for months now. But, when I heard Mark Hamby speak at the Cincinnati Convention, the Lord spoke to me through Mr. Hamby’s session. In telling the story of his own children, he shared how he had a difficult relationship with one of his children. To sum up the story, in a nutshell, Mr. Hamby had been harsh, authoritative, nagging, punishing…etc.

Unfortunately, this reminded me of my relationship with Hannah. To be bluntly honest and real, I worry constantly that I’ve “messed up” our relationship for good. I worry that I have caused her to have the angry tantrums that she has. I worry that all the negative is my fault. Now, I know in my head these things aren’t true. But sometimes my heart is a little slower to follow.

What I did realize through the session at Cincy is that there are days that I am way too negative. Do this, do that, pick this up, why is your room a mess? Why haven’t you picked up? Why this? Why that? Do this. Do that. It makes me cringe to type that out. I don’t want my kids to remember me for my rules and regulations. I don’t want my kids to remember me getting mad at them. Mr. Hamby was able to turn his relationship around with his son by showering him with love and building a genuine relationship with his child based on love, trust and grace.

I want my kids to remember love. A home of laughter. A mom that smiled. A mom that wasn’t stressed out all the time. It’s so hard. What do I need to do to make that happen? To eliminate some of the stress I probably need to not be so involved outside my home. I have been through this lesson time and time again. But somehow I keep getting sucked in to the “busy-ness” of life.

Which leads me to another thought on compassion. (Yes, this post is ALL over the place!) This is how my mind is too. Scary, huh?

Is being on a committee really showing compassion to the world? Is attending meeting after meeting really fulfilling the call of the gospel? Is being at church 5 times in 1 week saintly? We had a guest speaker at church last week who asked, “WHAT are you doing for ETERNITY?” Sadly, I had to stop and think. My “roles” at church don’t feel much like help in the cause for bringing lost souls to Christ. My sitting in on committee meeting after committee meeting don’t feel like reaching a lost and dying world.

I am really struggling with this. Inside the church walls you hear so often that only 20% of the people are doing 100% of the work. We need more teachers, we need more nursery workers, we need more, more, MORE.

Is that what we really need? I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not saying anyone is wrong. I’m not pointing fingers. I’m looking inward. At this stage in my life, my kids don’t need the added stress of a mommy stressed out b/c of too many committee meetings. In addition to that, I sit weeping over the entries made by the Compassion bloggers and wonder if I’ll ever come close to making a difference (like they are) sitting here in my rich little world where I have everything I need and most of what I want.

So, all this DOES have something to do with compassion, I promise. Am I showing compassion to my family? My husband? My children? Am I showing compassion to the world around me? Or am I so busy with my stuff that there really is no time left for compassion.