My Story…

Our pastor has been doing a sermon series on sharing our testimony and witnessing to those around us. He asked us to get our stories “on paper.” This sounded like a really good idea to me…he even mentioned leaving it with our will or other various places so that generations after us will see all that God has done in our lives. So, it is with a bit of fear and trepidation that I start this blog entry…not even exactly sure where to start or how, but here goes. 🙂 God willing…the story of God’s faithfulness in my life.

I was born at the end of 1976 in Montgomery, Alabama. I didn’t live there for long, not even long enough to remember it…but alas, that is where I’m from. My mom grew up there, my dad was in the air force and originally from Knoxville, TN.

{for You created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Ps. 139:13}

My dad left the air force shortly after and soon began attending various seminaries and pastoring churches around the south east. We moved quite a few times, lived in quite a few states around the south, and eventually ended up in Indiana, after my dad got his PhD in theology at Southern Seminary in Louisville.

{You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Ps. 139:3}

In sharing about my faith and the early years of my Christian walk, it is hard for me to sum up all that happened and all that God did. Sometimes I hesitate in sharing publically because there are parts of my story that include my parents, and I don’t want to seem like I’m speaking negatively about them in order to tell *my* story. But there are some parts of my story that are hard to get around other than just putting it out there. I will try to do so delicately…

I did not ask Jesus to be the Lord of my life until I was 14yrs of age. For a pastor’s daughter, this is kind of late. I grew up in church, we moved to several different churches as dad got different seminary degrees and took different pastorate positions. Like I said, I grew up in the church. However, as a child and early teen, I always felt that the words I was hearing at church were not the same thing that was being lived out in my home. I never knew quite what it was, but nothing felt right to me. {I would not learn until much later, as an adult, that there was something very wrong in our home.}

When I was around 13-14yrs of age, my parents began to allow me to attend youth group meetings on Wednesday nights at a church that was different from where my dad was pastor. My dad’s church was small and there weren’t many youth or children, so I started attending with friends from school at a different church. This church was not perfect, just like no church is, but God did a work in my heart through meeting the people and attending this church regularly for years until I graduated from high school.

I saw something in the youth pastor, Steve, that I had not seen before. Or at least, God opened my eyes at this particular time, to what it looked like to live your life – both at home and at church – as a Jesus-follower. It was after seeing this Christian walk and attending Calvary Baptist, in Madison, Indiana, that I realized my own need for a Savior. Not only did I realize my desperate need, but I realized that I wanted what they had. By the grace of God, He saved me at that time, and has been saving me from myself ever since then.

{it is by grace you have been saved. Eph. 2:5}

When I came to Carson-Newman College in the fall of 1995, I began meeting many Godly friends who spurred me on further in my walk with the Lord. It was at Carson-Newman where my walk really began growing and I began to see the need for that intimate time with Him on a regular basis. God graciously brought so many Godly people into my life during my college years, and I know all the while He was teaching me and leading me.

{O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirst for You. Ps. 63:1}

While in college I wasn’t completely sure what I wanted to do with my life. I knew music. So, I started out with a major in music. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with music, but it was a passion of mine. To this day, worship music is my favorite way to worship the Creator. Music brings me into the presence of Jesus quicker and more readily than just about any other form of worship or prayer.

My last semester in college I realized that there wasn’t a lot you could do with a Bachelor of Arts in Music. So, God somehow pricked my heart in the direction of teaching. But, I didn’t want to teach music…so after I graduated with a music degree, I went on to take some graduate classes in elementary education. I nearly finished my masters, but stopped about 1 semester short in order to just start teaching.

{I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord…Jer.29:11}

During my time in graduate classes, I also met the man who would become my husband. At the time, I was attending a church in Jefferson City and we had a really awesome group of friends. There was a college group of us that did everything together, we hung out, I was roommates with several of them (2 of which also became my sister-in-laws!) and we went to church together and God just really blessed us during this time in our lives. I look back on these years with very fond memories and still refer to this time in my life as probably one of the best times of my life.

There was this family at our church, the Crabtree family. They seemed like such a great family…I knew one of the brothers and began getting to know another brother. We were all in this great circle of friends that I described. After hanging out for many months, and faking the need for many trips to walmart together, David and I dated and then got engaged in June of 2000.

I was teaching kindergarten at the time we got married, and I can say that this time in our lives was a whirlwind! We began looking at a winter wedding, then certain family members couldn’t attend in this month or that month, and it got moved up to September of 2000. Yes, you read that correctly, our engagement was right around 3 months long! No need to worry, though, I had had my wedding planned out in my head for many years…all I had to do was get the finalized plans on paper. 🙂

{I am my beloved’s and he is mine. Song of Songs 6:3}

I absolutely LOVED teaching kindergarten!! I figured this was just one more step in getting closer to my lifelong dream of getting married and having a family of my own. I loved teaching, I would love being a mom!!

After a whirlwind engagement, a wonderful first year of teaching, a beautiful wedding like I had dreamed about…5 months later we learned that we were expecting our first baby!

{I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful. Ps. 139:14}

Without a doubt, I know that my faithful and loving God knew that He had to strip away the type A, organizer, planner deep inside me. I was very good at organizing my classroom, I had lesson plans done months in advance, I loved charts, details, lists…but God threw me a couple of curve balls during this time in our lives.

Growing up, I always wanted to be a wife and mother. I can look back now and see that God was fulfilling my dreams…even when I was struggling to know which way was up.

I loved being pregnant…I was beyond excited to be having a baby. After all, it was what I had always wanted! However, after a very difficult labor and delivery, a time that I look back on now with regret…and the first few years of a very difficult, strong willed child, all those dreams of motherhood began to become a distant memory in my heart.

5 months into Hannah’s life, we learned that we were once again expecting another miracle! 🙂 At this point in my life, I was excited about having another baby…but looking back, that is about all I remember. Emily’s delivery was picture perfect, the very opposite of my labor and delivery with Hannah.

The delivery was great, but those months in our lives were such a whirlwind that I have few memories of either of my girls as babies. This makes me sad beyond belief. I look back with regret that David and I didn’t have very long *just* as husband and wife before having children. I look back and see that my girls were so close in age that my brain is very foggy from those years. 2 years after Emily was born, Caleb arrived. He was such a joy!! I had prayed for a boy…though of course would have been happy with a 3rd girl as well! But, I really, really wanted a boy for David. And, a boy is definitely what we got!

Though I have regrets on those first few years that seemed rush by…I know without a doubt that God had each of those days ordained. He knew the birthdate of each of my children long before David and I even knew each other…before the foundation of the earth He knew that He would have to take me on this journey for His purposes to be fulfilled in my life.

{…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11}

Having 3 children in 3 years, having a very strong-willed child, having 2 girls so close together…and all those hormones raging in my body eventually led to a breakdown. We were still very involved in our church, the same church where all our great college friends had hung out together. The same church we were married in and the same church that had baby showers for us with each child’s arrival. We helped teach classes, I played keyboards on a regular basis, I helped plan and lead worship when we had no music minister for years at a time, I was in a Christian band, we began homeschooling…and the list goes on.

I don’t mean to make it look like my life was difficult by any stretch of the means. But, with these circumstances, God had to take the initiative to slow me down. I believe He had tried to teach me this lesson a few times previously, but I wasn’t learning. I can still be a slow learner at times!

{for My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8}

In walks depression. Well, let’s just say that depression will definitely slow you down. In fact, it will bring your life to a very abrupt stop. With the crazy busy life that I was leading, with 3 small children, and all that goes along with that, our marriage suffered. David and I grew distant…though, honestly, we both come from highly dysfunctional families especially in the area of communication. I’m not sure that we ever had great communication early on, even with good premarital counseling.

{So God led the people around by way of the wilderness…Exodus 13:18}

I firmly believe that this is yet one more reason why God allowed me to walk the path of depression. I could not say it outloud for months…not even to David, not to anyone. However, after we both realized that something was very wrong and we were tired of living this way, we began to seek help.

My depression led us to seek counseling. Because I was depressed God led us to a counselor that had us read books, discuss our families and begin communicating in a healthy way…which was something very new for us! But it was wonderful…truly, God could not have orchestrated better circumstances…it was a blessing and our marriage has grown better and better every year since! Praise be to God!

Through that very difficult time in our lives, all ordained by God, we changed churches. I believe that God had new people to bring into our lives. He had new ministries for us to become a part of. He had new things to teach us. Our new church was/is not perfect, of course…there are always frustrations, but I have no doubt that this is the place God had for us, He brought us to this place for a purpose…to first of all be encouraged and supported as we walked out of a difficult time…and then to begin serving, growing and learning all new things.

{See, I am doing a new thing! Isaiah 43:19}

This brings us very close to the present. I feel like I have so many regrets. But, in looking back…most of those things, the things that God brought our way (like the babies early on that weren’t planned, the depression) were not things that we, in our human fleshly hearts, could have planned or foreseen. But, God’s ways are so much bigger than ours. God’s plans are so different from ours…but so right.

Through my time in the valley of depression, God has grown me and stretched me in ways I didn’t think possible. All for His glory, He has drawn me to Himself. He has taught me the power of prayer. Not my power to change anything, but His power alive in me and the intimate relationship that comes through that time with Him.

I feel like I have barely scratched the surface on *my story.* But, I want to try and bring this to a close…I know it is already so long!

My life may not be going how I always thought it would go. Because of depression, and many other factors, motherhood has not been easy for me…though I would have always said it was all I wanted. The plans I had for my life were not what God wanted for me. And, that isn’t a bad thing. I am right where God wants me to be… and that is desperate for Him.

God had to thwart our plans to show us that we are most definitely not in control. God had to change the direction we were headed to show us that He has a bigger picture and a better plan in mind. God had to slow me down, in all aspects of my life, to show me that my need for Him is greater than any plan I have on paper. God had to bring me to my lowest point to raise me up to where He wanted me to be. God had to take me into the wilderness to show me Himself.

And I am so thankful that He did.

{I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ Lamentations 3:19-24}