Approximately 2 weeks ago my 3rd anti-depressant finally kicked in. Finally. I was praising Jesus and so very relieved.
Now, I am scared. What?!? The cloud has lifted, I’m not waking with a heavy dread hanging over my head, I don’t mind getting out of bed (most mornings) and I’m scared?? That just spells CrAZy if you ask me. 🙂 (yes, I’ve been officially diagnosed.)
These past few months have been very long for me. Anyone who has experienced depression understands that statement. One day in depression is long. One hour can seem impossible to survive. So, to struggle for a few months felt like an eternity.
However, now…
I’m scared that I’m feeling better and I won’t cling to Jesus like I did in the dark.
{In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.}
I’m scared that the desperateness for Him will fade away.
I’m scared that my need for Him won’t feel so very tangible.
I’m scared that the tears won’t fall as I read His word and wept with hope.
{Your word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens. Your faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 119:89-90.}
I’m scared that I will forget what it feels like to hope.
I’m scared that He won’t feel so near.
I’m scared that my unceasing prayers will become more sporadic.
Oh, Jesus. I know You don’t leave me now, but I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t feel you and your closeness like I have in the darkness. When I couldn’t see 2 minutes in front of me, I had to trust You and Your strength to make it through the next minute. But, I still need You. I’m still desperate for You. I’m still so lost without You. You are Hope. You are Light. Just because the wilderness is behind me (for today) doesn’t mean that I left You behind in that place of wilderness. You are still with me. You are still near. You are close. You are alive. You are alive in me. You are Hope.
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, ‘where is your God?’ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:1-6.
I understand this too well.
from Ecclesiastes 3:4
“A time to weep , and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance”
I pray that you are able to embrace the gift that you’ve been given and that you laugh and dance and trust the One who is giving you the chance.
Amen…feeling some of the same fears and concerns.
Aw, I will pray for you today. I think you are on to something, because you are acknowledging this fear. You are aware, and so maybe that will help you continue to seek the Lord in the same manner that you were ???
You are not alone and so many… OH, SO MANY of us refuse to share this dark road we have traveled. Depression is a work of the enemy. He keeps us in darkness and we comply for fear that we will be misunderstood. Know that the LORD reigns and HE has walked this path with you so you can show light to others. The fact that you acknowledge this fear gives GLORY and Honor to the One who has already heard your cry. As it says in the old testament set up a sign (post) so that you can recall the path you have walked. YOU HAVE DONE THAT HERE. Rejoice for JOY comes in the morning!
Praying for you tonight, Candace, as you take this next step. You are strong in Him, friend.
You look fabulous, btw. 🙂