Dreams…My Journey – Part 4

Along with realizing a huge fear that I’ve been carrying around, wondering if I would always struggle with depression, came the realization of a dream that hasn’t exactly played out as I thought it would.

Motherhood. I always wanted to be a wife and mom. Always. But motherhood just hasn’t been all I had hoped it would be. Now, let me clear up something right away. I’m not saying my children aren’t what I had hoped they would be. Not at all. It’s me…I am not all I had hoped I would be.

Motherhood has not been easy for me. Yes, there are happy and joyful moments…I am so very thankful for my children. I can’t imagine life without them. But, I am not the mother I had thought I would be. I am not the fun, playful, get-out-there-and-do-great-things with my kids kind of mother…I find myself questioning myself and not knowing what to do so many more times than I would have thought possible. {I have had to realize and accept that I am so much more dependent than I am independent.}

As I mentioned before, I worry about what depression will do to my kids.

I guess maybe all this plays into a fear of failure. Am I failing my kids? Will my kids be “messed up” because I am so messed up?

Then, ever so gently, the Holy Spirit reminds me that it is God and God alone that saves my child. My perfect parenting or lack thereof has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with God’s saving power and grace in the life of my family.

{Ephesians 2:4-6, we are saved by grace.}

Ahhhhh, there is that peace I was lacking. Such a small change in my perspective, just a huge change in my focus…where I place my thoughts…where I allow myself to dwell. Him. Not me.

My Journey: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3