I have had so many thoughts running through my mind to share with you, dear friends. Most of them haven’t made it to this little space, but tonight, I write with the goal of awareness.
I am a wife, mom and home schooling mom and I struggle with depression. Right now I find myself falling fast, head first into another low period in my life. I have been here before. Strangely, I thought that if I had been here before, surely I would never feel this badly again.
I was mistaken.
Most of you know, I weaned off the lexapro due to side effects I was growing weary of…I hoped, I prayed, I begged God to let me be ok without meds. He did not answer those prayers in the way I had hoped. I started a new medication almost 3 weeks ago.
I have been through the feelings of anger towards God. I have cried out to Him, telling Him how I thought it should go…what I thought He could do…even telling Him how I would give Him the glory if He would heal me.
But, He allows me the path of suffering. I know, with all my heart, He has chosen me for this road…and there is a purpose in my hurting. I do not doubt this at all. For this, I give thanks…truly, I can say, “thank you” through the tears. I cling to the Psalms during these days…and He gives me hope.
Even reading through my gift list, even knowing that He is a good God, even believing that He allows those He loves to suffer, believing these things with my head and even deep into my very soul does not take the pain away.
Jesus cried, “take this cup from me…” and when God did not take the cup, He faced the cross.
I do not compare my suffering to that of Jesus. I just pray that through this He will make me more and more like Him, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross.
My new medication is not working, apparently and obviously. It is discouraging to think that I have another week before seeing the doctor and then 4-6 more weeks of wondering if yet another medication will work. Sometimes, it is hard to imagine making it through the next hour. Not all my hours are bad…but when they are, they are bad.
Generally, my mornings are hard when I am struggling and down. However, this time around, the evenings have been bad. Supper is disastrous, and I go find somewhere to cry.
Please, please, I’m not sharing all of this for pity. I share all of this because so very often if you ask how I am, I will not know what to say. I’m sorry, I know a few of you (dear mom) will want to call me…I won’t know what to say. So, I write here for tonight. Please accept my words as a personal letter to you, my friends…I have never been good at communicating my feelings, but I realized that I do have this outlet – and for tonight, I use this to bring awareness to those of you who have no clue how I’m feeling…and to bring encouragement to those of you who are suffering right now, too. I have learned that I can write out my feelings much more than I can speak them.
People who struggle with depression struggle with incorrect feelings or thoughts. About myself, I usually say “irrational feelings” because I know in my head that what I’m thinking and feeling at this moment is, indeed, irrational. Knowing that does not help, however.
Tonight, the irrational thoughts that crossed my mind, as I sat on my bed and cried, were:
- I’m a bad wife – I cannot get a good, decent meal on the table.
- I’m a bad mom – I am not “fun” and my kids are going to be ruined because of my struggles to keep being mom day in and day out. One of my biggest fears, as I have walked this road of depression, is how much I am failing my children.
- I’m a bad homeschool mom – I cannot be consistent with anything when I’m in a low period.
- I’m a bad Christian – I had to start taking medication again AND it’s not even helping. I can’t help more at church, I can’t serve here, I have to say “no” and have tremendous guilt over it.
- I’m a bad friend – I can’t bear to even read facebook to see the “normal” and “fabulous” lives that everyone else is living. (I know – I KNOW, everyone has problems!! I know this, yet I can’t read facebook without the statuses of those I know haunting my thoughts – just being very real.)
- I’m also a bad wife because I can’t control my spending.
- I’m also a failure at this healthier journey thing.
- I’m a failure as a friend because I don’t know how to be one. I don’t know what to say on the phone. I don’t know when to call people. Those “incorrect thoughts” tell me that people are annoyed with me…so why would I want to call?
- I have a hard time in big groups usually when I am like this. I get this overwhelming feeling that I don’t belong in whatever place I’m in.
There you have it, I’m broken. I’m needy.
I guess I want people to know that you can cling to God with all your heart and still hurt.
I’m being very real here. I wanted to type out my feelings…still haven’t decided if I’m going to hit the “publish” button. This is me in the midst of depression. This is what it is like. These are the thoughts running through my mind. It’s not just that I think I’m a bad mom, I physically CANNOT get it out of my mind…I start thinking about how this is my fault that I struggle, if I were more this or more like that…if only I knew how to relate better to people, if only I enjoyed cooking, if only I was a people peron, if only. (See, very irrational, I know.)
Just a little glimpse into the heart of a depressed girl…your prayers are very much coveted. I know I will be ok. I know God is with me, He loves me, He has a purpose even in this.
Part of His plan is to give me the gift of brokenness. Do not think that I am wallowing in self-pity. I am humble and broken and learning more and more daily about how desperate I am for God. His grace truly is sufficient. I am a different person than I was 10 years ago. And you know what, I think I can safely say now – even through the valleys – that I am better for it. I can say that because I know He is making me more and more like His son. He is showing me a tiny glimpse of Himself…
He is a good God…and I praise Him in this storm.