Recently I found myself laughing with my children. It was a beautiful thing. What makes this so extraordinary? I realized that I could not remember the last time I laughed with them. It makes me want to cry to admit that to you, but it’s true.
When my babies were little, the Lord took me through the valley of the shadow of death, He allowed me to spend some time in the wilderness. I wasn’t alone. He was there with me in the darkness the whole time. I do not look back on those years with anger or frustration at God.
But, when I look back, I am sad…
The anti-depressants I started began working after a few months. I wasn’t depressed. I could get out of bed. I could prepare meals for my children. I could accomplish my daily to-do lists. I homeschooled my children. I served in my church.
But, I rarely laughed.
It’s been right at two years since I have been off my anti-depressants. Praise the Lord!! Coming off was one of the hardest seasons I faced. I don’t discount the good months I’ve had. In fact, I count it as a miracle that God performed.
I also recently went off another medication that was altering a lot of things about my personality and my hormones. It was helpful, but there were also negatives to it. I’ve been more weepy since going off this particular med. But you know what? I have, at times, missed my sensitive self! It’s ok to cry, life is hard! Why shouldn’t we feel it?
That’s the thing, these medications are GREAT for a time being…but I hope and pray I never have to go back on them again.
I want to laugh with my children.
When your children look at you like you’re strange, because you’re laughing? Something is wrong with that picture. My goodness, I feel as though years of my children’s lives have been ruined.
But, God. He can take ashes and create beauty. He can work things out for their good, my good and His glory. He is faithful God.
Why do I tell you all this?
I tell you all this because I know there are some of you hurting and struggling with depression. I know many of you are on anti-depressants. I know many of you are weaning off of them and going through the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I know some of you are praying about starting an anti-depressant…or how to wean off of it…or whether it’s right/wrong to take it to begin with. I know there are desperate mamas out there. I’ve read your emails, your comments, you’ve given me glimpses into your hearts. I know there are so many hurting people in our world today.
You are not alone. I have to share my story so that even one of you can find hope again. I have to remind you (because I needed reminding as well) that God is at work. He isn’t finished with you yet. He is making you into something so beautiful. Everything He makes He says is good, that includes you.
It is my earnest prayer that one day, someday soon, you will laugh again.
But until then, if you find yourself in the valley, take heart. Cling to Jesus. Practice hope. Don’t lose heart. Pray the Scriptures. Write the Word. Know you are loved and God is for you. Take a deep breath and ask for help.
You are loved, dear one.
3 Years Off of Anti-Depressants
I would love for you to read an update now that I have been off all of my anti-depressants for 3 years and am thriving. God has been so good to me. My mindset has changed. My health has changed. We are never truly hopeless if we have Christ. We have the power of the Holy Spirit living within us giving us the power to make the steps necessary to BE TRANSFORMED.
You are a great person. I pray that God continues to heal and give you strength. Your story was inspiring. I have dealt with my husband having depression and it has been some rough years and still is at times but he is doing better and God is so good to us. More than we deserve but God will and always will take care of us and gives us strength and comfort to make it through our darkest times. God is always and forever with us.
Thank you for your website.
Candace, I LOVE this post! Thank you for sharing so honesty about the pain of depression, and the struggles with the meds, I went through a couple years of depression from hormone issues, and I can relate. I cried every day, and felt like I was ruining my kids. They are grown now, and don’t remember those days, are God protected them and loved them for me during those dark years.
I love how you stress the importance of Scripture! It’s so important to speak God’s truth to yourself when depressed. I know I would find myself believing the devil’s lies that I was a bad mom, bad Christian, bad wife, etc, there was no hope for me…..I had to keep trying to bring those thoughts captive, and replace them with God’s Word. It helped me to memorize Scripture with my kids, and sing Scripture with them. On the darker days, those verses would come to mind, and be a comfort.
Again, thanks for sharing from your heart!
Kathie
Why is your post about laughing making me cry? I am so happy for you, sweet friend. God is good.